puisi untuk jalang

engkau itu jalang
tatkala kau biar liurnya menjejes di tiap lintang tubuhmu
tika kau erangkan namanya di sekejung erotismu
waktu kau kaburkan kasih aku demi bohongnya.

engkau itu sundal
tatkala kau biar hati kamu bernanah curang
tika kau pandangkan wajah puas keparat itu
waktu kau lemparkan senyum palsu ku kira milikku.

engkau itu bangsat
tatkala kau rela jiwamu dimamah taburan dusta
tika kau kekeh meliuk getis dek jemari sialnya
waktu kau genggam ubunnya bagai aku dulu.

engkau itu bajingan
tatkala kau lelong hati aku ini pada angin
tika kau siat-siat jantung aku ke percaan
waktu kau henyak runtun nyawaku bertabur.

dan aku ini lelaki dayus
tatkala aku masih berlutut di muka pintu
tika aku melolong pada rembulan wajahmu
waktu aku mengemis sisa kasihmu.

yang bukan milik aku,
tak pernah milik aku.

i wrote this for a dear male friend, who, in my eyes are one dumb lovestucked. His girl was two-timing him, and still, uff. Stupid. But hecks, love is such a crazy lil thing.

mei ketiga-belas Itu

ingin saya mencanting angin,
melarik awan untuk mengisah
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

ingin saya merobek tanah,
memaku lumpur untuk cerita,
tentang hari itu.

tapi tiada saya berilmu.

apa yang jadi, wahai atok wahai moyang,
Mei itu,
yang berdarah itu,
yang masih bernanah,
cuma diperbuat tak tahu.

aku mau pergi

pekikkan rasa cinta engkau
kerna aku sudah lupa
jerit sehabis nafas
maka aku ingat
maka aku ingat.

lepaskan aku si burung liar
bersarang di langit
bermandi di hujan
ini bukan rumahku
ini bukan rumahku

mungkin kasih sudah habis
mungkin jiwa sudah tewas
aku sudah ranap.

when my father said "you know better"

rebel sneak outs and harsh cussing fights
screaming to the door, screaming all nights
vengeance and hatred filled each part of vein
rather drink my own blood, rather be in pain

we hated each other, we hated to our bones
even hated God, like "please get off thy throne!"
cause i felt He neglected me too much already
i was so torn apart, so full of misery

i wish i had a thrice better father, i said
the type who showers me what i never had
maybe just be that one to be very close
or at least be a person who never oppose

yes we were never pals, oh no how could we
but look at this picture of both you and me
we made snorting faces and there we grinned
gosh look where we are now, where have we been

i guess it started during school time, maybe
when friends understood better than you'd be
and we just follow the flow, we drifted away
until we made believe that everything is okay

grew apart and that was never a big deal
it's not that we don't care, we just cant feel
but years gone by and i am now a woman
and i want to fix it all, undone the demon

such a feeling today, meeting my father
t'was not planned but glad to see each other
we hugged like nothing had ever happened
ole friends we are, oh my, out of that sudden!

so we started chatting and talking and laughing
to the point where somehow i felt this comfort feeling
that i burst a few tears about life and all
how the world is hard and how i almost fall

but my father just smiled and my heart just shatter
when my father said to me "honey, you know better"
oh that was it, that was that moment i've waited
the time i had been fighting for, and now i hate it.

i wish i am still his little girl, his little star
i want to reverse it all, the stories we are
i don't want to answer, i do not know better
i need only one thing, i need my father.

isnt it silly when we think back again how stupid our fights were with our parent? now that we realized it, how can we ever repeat time back, to fix the unfixed?